ASK MISS MAISY: "Social Socialist?"

I recently received this email from a young newlywed walking the tightrope between social independence and eternal "coupledom."

Dear Miss Maisy,

My husband (let's call him "H") and I are recently wed and are now sharing a home. We have a lot of the same friends, with whom we hang out together, but we also have our own separate lives, which we respect about each other. Well, this week - I told H that I have a work event on Thursday, so I might be home late. H decides that this would be a great time to have over a couple friend of ours for dinner (we are both close to these people). I asked him to wait until I could join. Miss Maisy - he freaked out! He told me that he doesn't have to clear his social schedule through me, and he can't be expected not to socialize when I am busy. From my point of view, I don't have plans any other night. Can't he at least try to include me? Am I being crazy here? Please advise.

Thanks,
Socially Confused Newlywed in New York

Dear SCNY,

Unless you are leaving out some key detail -- like a double barrel shotgun or other major melodramatic theatrics -- you do not sound crazy to me. Navigating the social waters when moving from singledom to coupledom can be a process rife with such issues - particularly when you are now sharing a new home.

It sounds to me like H wants to assert his independence. Perhaps he is beating his chest just a bit to show you, himself, and the other primates that he is not losing his manhood by becoming an H, if you know what I mean. That might be frustrating, but it's OK too. Marriage is an amazing thing, but it is filled to the brim with a frightening concept: COMPRIMISE. I know, I know what you are thinking. . . NO! Not the thing where nobody actually wins!! Ahhhhh! It can make zombies seem like child's play. And, sometimes it may feel to him as though he is comprimising his independence or social life.

However, I think the key here is that these are mutual friends (of both genders, no less) being invited to the home that you share. You have the right to want to be present for this dinner party - or at least the right to veto an event that requires you to clean up your underwear from the floor beforehand, and not even reap the benefits.

So, I suggest this: try out the big "C" word (no, not the dirty one, the one I reference above). Suggest that he pick a night when you can join, or - alternately - that he meet the guys out at a bar for some beers. Emphasize that you don't want to hinder his social life, you just want to be a part of your own dinner party.

And, if possible - throw in a compliment. Men love hearing them, and it can be that extra bit of sugar that makes the Comprimise Pill go down just a tad easier.

Good luck,

MM